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| Steve the Rigellion leaving his UFO for the last time |
Charleston, South Carolina - 29 Rigellions, travelling from planet Rigellia of the Andromeda galaxy, were massacred at a Nazi gathering just outside Charleston. The appalling event marks the first official alien landing on our planet Earth.
Johnathan McGee, who owns the property where the event transpired, explained what happened. “This spaceship landed in my yard, we all went to see what was going on. That’s when we heard them “We are the Rigellions, an alien civilization. We’re here to start some sort of peaceful first contact” or something. So David [Duke, former imperial wizard of the KKK] asks them to identify themselves. He asked them what colour their skin was but they just kept mumbling something about planets, andromeda, immortality, just avoiding the question. You could tell David was getting impatient. I could tell others noticed it too because they were cocking their guns. Then David yells “Are you white?!” That’s when they went quiet, and slowly came out of the ship. We were all in a state of shock when we first saw the Aliens. But then someone yelled ”they’re green, kill’em all!” Then we started kicking their asses, bullets flying all around, blue alien blood was gushing out everywhere, alien brains splattered all over the ground, they were droppin’ like flies. It was beautiful, We’re goddamn heroes.”
We talked to the lone survivor of the massacre. Steve, who was visibly upset, said that he was left behind to guard the the controls and communicate with their home world. “It was a zorkin’ nightmare. I was sitting in the spaceship pressing communication buttons, when I heard the screams. I ran to the viewscreen, all I could see blood, skorgfuls of blood, everywhere. This wasn’t supposed to happen. It was supposed to be peaceful. This is a disaster.” Steve paused to wipe the tears falling from his three eyes. “Our instructors taught us the history of the attempted first contact in Germany in 1943, but that expedition continued making communications for 7 days. We thought we’d last longer this time. We were wrong. I spent 6 months learning english for this?!”
The Whitehouse made an official statement which read “This was an unfortunate event that took place in Charlston, South Carolina. It’s evident that exactly one group of people is to blame. The Rigellions were trespassing on private land, the gentlemen there had every right to slaughter them. We will be pressing charges against the lone Rigellion survivor for trespassing.”
David Duke said that the aliens were the furthest beings from a white human he had ever scene. “My natural racist instincts kicked into high gear immediately. Look, our beliefs are very clear about this sort of thing. If you are not white you are inferior. Even white people have to be careful not to spend too much time in the sun so their skin doesn’t darken. Why do you think the most popular brands of sunscreen are KKKream and Whitertone. Even Skinhead & Shoulders shampoo has 100 SPF built right in. Our ideology is clear, if you look at someone and can tell in a split second that it’s not a walking mirror, hate them.”
One attendee to the gathering, who wanted to remain anonymous for fear of being vaporized in his sleep by the Rigellions said “I’m not a Nazi, I was invited for some drinks with a friend. I thought it was a free speech rally. I didn’t even hit anyone with my gunfire. I’m not a bad person.”
When asked if the Rigellions would return soon, Steve said “We specifically chose this location because the United States is the world’s superpower and the white supremacists are the superior race. Our DNA tests confirmed it. If these people aren’t ready for an interstellar relationship then Humanity is not.”
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