Ottawa, Ontario - The Public Health Agency of Canada, along with Dr. Theodore Smith stunned the world today with their announcement of a new vaccine for autism. Dr. Smith explained that the clinical trials had proven trilofixetall to 100% effective over the course of 2 years and 1200 patients. Calculations place the efficacy of the vaccine at never before seen levels. It’s estimated that only 1 in 10 billions users could contract autism after getting the vaccine.
Although hailed by the medical and scientific community as a monumental medical breakthrough, anti vaccination protesters have been out in full force condemning the discovery.
“This is a mockery, if they think they can win us over with this science, they really don’t understand our position” said Judith Faith, an anti-vaxxer whose 5 year old daughter died from complications due to whooping cough, polio, the measles, mumps and rubella. “This doesn’t change the fact that the vaccine itself could cause Autism.”
Dr Smith, in response to Judith Faiths comments, said “That’s not a fact, but yes it does.”
The trilofixetall discovery may convince people sitting on the fence of the vaccination debate but hardcore anti-vaxxers like Tiny Johnson may never be convinced “We’ve devoted our lives to [the anti vaccination movement]. We know that autism is caused by needles, but did you know that the chance of your child getting Autism just from being born is 1 in 100. No chance of Autism is acceptable to me, so I ain’t having no kids.”
Former doctor, Andrew Wakefield, who was stripped of his medical license in the U.K. for performing fraudulent research regarding vaccinations, and who is known as the pioneer as the anti vaccination movement said “If I hadn’t been stripped of my medical license, and I was still a doctor, and I said I was going to inject you with a needle containing formaldehyde, mercury, aluminum, viruses, other random toxins and nanobots. What would you say?”
To this question real doctors had not response, but praised Dr Smith for the autism vaccine discovery. “This is incredible,” said Dr. Edith Johnson, “kudos to Dr. Smith and his team. Medical science continues to amaze me, this is why I work in this field. If this doesn’t get those people to start taking vaccines then nothing will. My team’s biggest fear has always been that this same group of people won’t take our vaccine when it’s finally ready” Dr. Johnson’s team hopes to have their own breakthrough some day soon as they continue their work on a vaccine for stupidity.
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