Google’s Witchhunt app suggests new VP of Diversity next in line to be fired

Google Witchhunt is the new human resources app developed by Google.  It allows the general public to give a +1 or a -1 score to all current Google employees.  Anybody with a Gmail account can login and see a brief bio along with links to the employees social media feeds. Any Google employee that reaches -100,000 is sent an automatic notification that they are fired.

VP of Diversity Danielle Brown currently has the lowest score at -93,234. The fact that she was just hired on June 29th doesn’t seem to have any sway with users.  Google’s diversity numbers have struck a chord, as illustrated last week when the app claimed its first victim James Damore.  His score dropped from 2000, to -250,000 in a matter of 24 hours when news broke that he had written an internal memo on diversity.  Many of the Witchhunt users, who hadn’t read the memo, were infuriated that James had the nerve to discuss such a controversial subject no matter which side of the discussion he was on.

Ironically the next 10 lowest scores belong to women and people of colour.  This reporter couldn’t find any specific incidents for either of these people to explain why their scores were so low.  This is sure to lower Google’s already low diversity numbers.

Google's diversity numbers, see https://www.google.com/diversity/ for current numbers.

Peter Gibbons recently saw his score drop dramatically when word became public that he had forgotten to use the new cover sheets on his TPS reports.  When asked about his performance, seven of his eight bosses said they were quite happy with his work up until recently when he stopped showing up to the office. The eighth one said he made sure the public was aware of his TPS error and was looking forward to him writhing in agony as his score descended towards -100,000.

Several employees were seen preemptively cleaning out their desk in anticipation of reaching the required score.  “I slept with this guy three weeks ago, turns out he was married to this woman with 2 million Twitter followers.  Once she hears of Witchhunt, I'm gone.  Besides my scores already pretty low because I’m a woman.” said Gloria Ng.

We talked with Greg Tobiason, a developer who works on the Google Witchhunt, he said. “I'm not worried, I’m agoraphobic so I stay away from social media or any public place with more than five people.  There's no way the idiotic herd ever witness me do anything.  Oh crap, this is on the record isn't it.  I’m gonna go pack my stuff.”

Ceo Sundar Pichai said, “If an employee has an issue with anything internal they can come and privately meet with me one-on-one and defecate on my desk.  That way it stays between the two of us. Don't get caught on video cutting in front of someone at the grocery store, those types of things go viral, then our customers see it and we have to let you go.  Public relations is extremely important to us.”

VP of People Operations (or human resources) Eileen Naughton loves the new app. “This is great.  It makes it very black and white, no more explaining to people why they are being let go, no more wrongful dismissal lawsuits.  We pretty much do this already, the app just lets us keep track of it with quantifiable data.  It won’t help our diversity numbers, but the public gets what it wants so everyone’s happy.”