Toblerone chocolate ladder to be built for International Space Station

Artists conception of planned Toblerone ladder

Houston, Texas - NASA today announced a deal with Mondelez International, the makers of the Toblerone chocolate bar, to build a space ladder to the international space station.  NASA has been increasing its partnerships with private corporations in an effort to spark their sputtering space program.  Since 1969’s moon landing NASA has been looking for ways to raise interest so they can finally get the money they need to go to Mars.  They acknowledge that they haven’t done anything interesting since landing on the moon and are hoping this chocolate ladder will appeal to the younger, more obese, generations.

The chocolate ladder will be made using approximately 2 million kg of Mondelez International's unique milk chocolate blend which includes nougat, almonds and honey.  It will contain almost 5 million peaks and be strong enough to withstand one astronaut at a time with a small travel bag.  The space ladder will be built in Antartica to prevent melting during the summer months.

We talked to Marco Gisler, the director of structural engineering at the Toblerone factory in Bern Switzerland; we asked him if they were capable of following through with this ladder. “We’ve been training our entire corporate life to do this.  Nobody builds chocolate bars this big without considering how it could affect human space travel.  We’ve contacted NASA numerous times in the past about building this ladder, but until now they’ve always turned us down.  This won’t be a piece of cake, but we can do it.”

The Toblerone Ladder will contain 15% extra nougat to help with structural integrity, but even with the added nougat the chocolate ladder will need to be replaced every 2 years.  The previous ladder will be broken down into regular Toblerone bars and sold for consumption.  The ladder should contain enough chocolate to make 10 regular Toblerone bars.

Peaceful Aliens massacred at Nazi gathering

Steve the Rigellion leaving his UFO for the last time

Charleston, South Carolina - 29 Rigellions, travelling from planet Rigellia of the Andromeda galaxy, were massacred at a Nazi gathering just outside Charleston.  The appalling event marks the first official alien landing on our planet Earth.

Johnathan McGee,  who owns the property where the event transpired, explained what happened.  “This spaceship landed in my yard, we all went to see what was going on.  That’s when we heard them “We are the Rigellions, an alien civilization.  We’re here to start some sort of peaceful first contact” or something. So David [Duke, former imperial wizard of the KKK] asks them to identify themselves.  He asked them what colour their skin was but they just kept mumbling something about planets, andromeda, immortality, just avoiding the question.  You could tell David was getting impatient.  I could tell others noticed it too because they were cocking their guns.  Then David yells “Are you white?!” That’s when they went quiet, and slowly came out of the ship.  We were all in a state of shock when we first saw the Aliens.  But then someone yelled ”they’re green, kill’em all!”  Then we started kicking their asses, bullets flying all around, blue alien blood was gushing out everywhere, alien brains splattered all over the ground,  they were droppin’ like flies.  It was beautiful, We’re goddamn heroes.”

We talked to the lone survivor of the massacre. Steve, who was visibly upset, said that he was left behind to guard the the controls and communicate with their home world. “It was a zorkin’ nightmare.  I was sitting in the spaceship pressing communication buttons, when I heard the screams.  I ran to the viewscreen, all I could see blood, skorgfuls of blood, everywhere.  This wasn’t supposed to happen.  It was supposed to be peaceful.  This is a disaster.”  Steve paused to wipe the tears falling from his three eyes.  “Our instructors taught us the history of the attempted first contact in Germany in 1943, but that expedition continued making communications for 7 days.  We thought we’d last longer this time. We were wrong.  I spent 6 months learning english for this?!”

The Whitehouse made an official statement which read “This was an unfortunate event that took place in Charlston, South Carolina.  It’s evident that exactly one group of people is to blame.  The Rigellions were trespassing on private land, the gentlemen there had every right to slaughter them.  We will be pressing charges against the lone Rigellion survivor for trespassing.”

David Duke said that the aliens were the furthest beings from a white human he had ever scene.  “My natural racist instincts kicked into high gear immediately. Look, our beliefs are very clear about this sort of thing.  If you are not white you are inferior.  Even white people have to be careful not to spend too much time in the sun so their skin doesn’t darken.  Why do you think the most popular brands of sunscreen are KKKream and Whitertone.  Even Skinhead & Shoulders shampoo has 100 SPF built right in.  Our ideology is clear, if you look at someone and can tell in a split second that it’s not a walking mirror, hate them.”

One attendee to the gathering, who wanted to remain anonymous for fear of being vaporized in his sleep by the Rigellions said “I’m not a Nazi, I was invited for some drinks with a friend.  I thought it was a free speech rally.  I didn’t even hit anyone with my gunfire. I’m not a bad person.”

When asked if the Rigellions would return soon, Steve said “We specifically chose this location because the United States is the world’s superpower and the white supremacists are the superior race.  Our DNA tests confirmed it.  If these people aren’t ready for an interstellar relationship then Humanity is not.”

Rob Gronkowski stands on step ladder draped in American flag during national anthem

Rob Gronkowski of the New England Patriots standing on a step ladder draped in the American flag.

Foxborough, Massachusetts -  Rob Gronkowski, tight end for the New England Patriots, has caused a massive controversy by standing on a step ladder while draped in an American flag during the american national anthem before Thursday’s NFL game against the Jaguars.  When the anthem ended he raised his arms to the sky and fired off two roman candle fireworks.  He then proceeded with his usual routine of chugging two beers simultaneously before he ran onto the field.

After the game, Gronkowski had this to say, “We are the Patriots, what’s more patriotic than that.  This is American football!”  Gronkowski is the first player to perform a pro USA statement during the national anthem in the NFL. “I make millions of dollars playing the world's greatest sport.  You can't do this in the middle East. God bless America.”

Colin Kaepernick, who started the anthem protests movement last season as a member of the San Francisco 49ers, responded to Gronkowski’s gesture.  “I certainly don’t agree with his statement, but that takes real courage to do what he did.  I took a stand when I knelt down last year, but my opinion was a popular one.”  Kaepernick said he will continue to kneel down during the anthem before every 49ers game while watching from home.

Protests have been increasing in number and variation around the league.  Marshawn Lynch of the Oakland Raiders sat down during the anthem this past Saturday, Philadelphia Eagles safety Malcolm Jenkins raised his fist, Michael Bennett defensive end for the Seattle Seahawks played dead on the ground, Dolphins Punter Matt Darr was seen spinning himself in circles and Julio Jones was spotted doing the worm on top of a KKK hood.

The NFL released a statement saying that any future protests using props will result in a penalty to start the game.  

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said “We knew that restricting touchdown celebrations was going to force players to express themselves in different ways.  We let it go on for far too long. We realise that now and have relaxed the celebration rules for this upcoming year.  The added dances and gyrations will allow our players to express themselves more freely within the game.  I think this is our best shot at reducing the number of protests by NFL players.”

Google’s Witchhunt app suggests new VP of Diversity next in line to be fired

Google Witchhunt is the new human resources app developed by Google.  It allows the general public to give a +1 or a -1 score to all current Google employees.  Anybody with a Gmail account can login and see a brief bio along with links to the employees social media feeds. Any Google employee that reaches -100,000 is sent an automatic notification that they are fired.

VP of Diversity Danielle Brown currently has the lowest score at -93,234. The fact that she was just hired on June 29th doesn’t seem to have any sway with users.  Google’s diversity numbers have struck a chord, as illustrated last week when the app claimed its first victim James Damore.  His score dropped from 2000, to -250,000 in a matter of 24 hours when news broke that he had written an internal memo on diversity.  Many of the Witchhunt users, who hadn’t read the memo, were infuriated that James had the nerve to discuss such a controversial subject no matter which side of the discussion he was on.

Ironically the next 10 lowest scores belong to women and people of colour.  This reporter couldn’t find any specific incidents for either of these people to explain why their scores were so low.  This is sure to lower Google’s already low diversity numbers.

Google's diversity numbers, see https://www.google.com/diversity/ for current numbers.

Peter Gibbons recently saw his score drop dramatically when word became public that he had forgotten to use the new cover sheets on his TPS reports.  When asked about his performance, seven of his eight bosses said they were quite happy with his work up until recently when he stopped showing up to the office. The eighth one said he made sure the public was aware of his TPS error and was looking forward to him writhing in agony as his score descended towards -100,000.

Several employees were seen preemptively cleaning out their desk in anticipation of reaching the required score.  “I slept with this guy three weeks ago, turns out he was married to this woman with 2 million Twitter followers.  Once she hears of Witchhunt, I'm gone.  Besides my scores already pretty low because I’m a woman.” said Gloria Ng.

We talked with Greg Tobiason, a developer who works on the Google Witchhunt, he said. “I'm not worried, I’m agoraphobic so I stay away from social media or any public place with more than five people.  There's no way the idiotic herd ever witness me do anything.  Oh crap, this is on the record isn't it.  I’m gonna go pack my stuff.”

Ceo Sundar Pichai said, “If an employee has an issue with anything internal they can come and privately meet with me one-on-one and defecate on my desk.  That way it stays between the two of us. Don't get caught on video cutting in front of someone at the grocery store, those types of things go viral, then our customers see it and we have to let you go.  Public relations is extremely important to us.”

VP of People Operations (or human resources) Eileen Naughton loves the new app. “This is great.  It makes it very black and white, no more explaining to people why they are being let go, no more wrongful dismissal lawsuits.  We pretty much do this already, the app just lets us keep track of it with quantifiable data.  It won’t help our diversity numbers, but the public gets what it wants so everyone’s happy.”

Umpire ejected after charging Yankees pitcher

Scott Barry warning Yankees pitcher Dellin Betances to throw strikes.

Toronto, Ontario - Tuesday night umpire Scott Barry was ejected from the Yankees game after charging the mound and punching Dellin Betances multiple times in the face.

The incident took place in the 7th inning with the Toronto Blue Jays up 14-1.  Betances came in to pitch with the game well out of hand.  He then proceeded to throw 26 consecutive balls.  Six of those were wild pitches, at least four of which would’ve struck umpire Scott Barry had Yankees catcher Gary Sanchez not caught the ball.

After the fifth batter was walked in the inner Scott Barry stepped in front of the plate pointed at Betances and appeared to give a verbal warning while yelling obscenities.  Two pitches later he was throwing down the Yankees catcher on his way to the mound.  Betances laughed while he took two punches in the face from Barry “Do your worst old man” he cried while blood trickled down from his nose ”I smell a big suspension coming. Ha ha ha!“  First baseman Todd Frazier grabbed Scott Barry and took him to the ground as the Yankees clubhouse cleared. The stunned Blue Jays remained in their dugout waiting patiently for the game to resume.

The fisticuffs was related to a game on May 20th in Tampa Bay when Dellin Betances walked three batters in a row in the 8th inning of a 4-4 game.  The Yankees went on to lose that game 5-4.  Furious with the strike zone Betances was tossed from the game along with Yankees manager Joe Girardi. Girardi continued berating Barry for upwards of 20 minutes. To add insult to insults Girardi kicked dirt at Barry’s umpiring shoes causing irreparable damage.

“Those were my favorite umpiring shoes.  I’d worn them for two years without a scuff and now this.  That money comes out of my pocket.  We don’t make millions of dollars like they do.” said an irate Scott Barry after the May 20th game.

After the commotion died down crew chief Paul Emmel ejected both Yankees Pitcher Betances and umpire Scott Barry.  

In the dressing room after the game, Betances was seen boasting an ear-to-ear grin “I couldn’t find the strike zone tonight” he said.

MLB commissioner Rob Manfred said he was still reviewing the incident to determine the degree of suspensions.  “I’m appalled by Scott Barry’s actions.  We expect more from him. Only the best umpires make the professional level.  They’re taught early in their minor league career how to control their anger: by clenching their teeth, muttering under their breath and punching the bat boys between innings.  The ones that attack players in the minors don’t have what it takes for Major League Baseball.”

Anti-vaxxers oppose new vaccine that prevents autism

Ottawa, Ontario - The Public Health Agency of Canada, along with Dr. Theodore Smith stunned the world today with their announcement of a new vaccine for autism.  Dr. Smith explained that the clinical trials had proven trilofixetall to 100% effective over the course of 2 years and 1200 patients.  Calculations place the efficacy of the vaccine at never before seen levels. It’s estimated that only 1 in 10 billions users could contract autism after getting the vaccine.

Although hailed by the medical and scientific community as a monumental medical breakthrough, anti vaccination protesters have been out in full force condemning the discovery.

“This is a mockery, if they think they can win us over with this science, they really don’t understand our position” said Judith Faith, an anti-vaxxer whose 5 year old daughter died from complications due to whooping cough, polio, the measles, mumps and rubella. “This doesn’t change the fact that the vaccine itself could cause Autism.”

Dr Smith, in response to Judith Faiths comments, said “That’s not a fact, but yes it does.”

The trilofixetall discovery may convince people sitting on the fence of the vaccination debate but hardcore anti-vaxxers like Tiny Johnson may never be convinced “We’ve devoted our lives to [the anti vaccination movement].   We know that autism is caused by needles, but did you know that the chance of your child getting Autism just from being born is 1 in 100.  No chance of Autism is acceptable to me, so I ain’t having no kids.”

Former doctor, Andrew Wakefield, who was stripped of his medical license in the U.K. for performing fraudulent research regarding vaccinations, and who is known as the pioneer as the anti vaccination movement said “If I hadn’t been stripped of my medical license, and I was still a doctor, and I said I was going to inject you with a needle containing formaldehyde, mercury, aluminum, viruses, other random toxins and nanobots.  What would you say?”

To this question real doctors had not response, but praised Dr Smith for the autism vaccine discovery. “This is incredible,” said Dr. Edith Johnson, “kudos to Dr. Smith and his team. Medical science continues to amaze me, this is why I work in this field.  If this doesn’t get those people to start taking vaccines then nothing will.  My team’s biggest fear has always been that this same group of people won’t take our vaccine when it’s finally ready”  Dr. Johnson’s team hopes to have their own breakthrough some day soon as they continue their work on a vaccine for stupidity.

North Korea orders 2 billion dollars worth of Diet Coke and Mentos in preparation for missile launch

Embed from Getty ImagesChief Commander Hook San Jo points to where the next test launch will take place

Geneva, Switzerland - United Nations Secretary General Antonio Guterres announced today that North Korea had purchased 4 billion litres of Diet Coke and 20 billion packs of Mentos in preparation for their next missile launch.  With this purchase North Korea continues making progress towards nuclear launch capability.  Their previous missile test, which was said to be successful, was a Playskool x465 rocket.  Experts suggest this next launch could reach as far as South Korea.  

“This is no longer a rocket your toddler could play with. People outside of North Korea will have to start paying a little more attention”
-Secretary General Antonio Guterres 

“If you drop a pack of Mentos into a bottle of Diet Coke, you get this huge fountain of spray and Diet Coke foam coming out,” says Tonya Coffey, a physicist at Appalachian State University in Boone, North Carolina. “This was a good project for my students to study ...”

South Korean threat levels have been raised ever so slightly.  President of South Korea Moon Jae-in recommends South Koreans carry umbrellas when they walk near the demilitarized zone separating the two countries.

North Korean officials denied the allegations, insisting that their people are very thirsty and that everyone except Kim Jong Un has really bad breath.  

US Secretary of Foreign Affairs Rex Tillerson has condemned The Coca Cola Company for the sale to North Korea, saying “I can't believe that Coca-Cola would allow so much of its product to go to waste.  It's delicious.”  When asked if he was also upset at Perfetti Van Melle for its sale of Mentos he replied “meh.”

President Trump released this tweet “I assure you there's no amount of Diet Coke and Mentos coming for North Korea that can penetrate our missile defense system 😎 #USAUSA” 

Americans are beginning to wondering if there will ever be a time when North Korea can build a missile that could reach the United States.