Top Amateur Pole Dancer declares for the upcoming draft

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Mercedes Driveshaft competing in National Championship in Duluth

The Junky Trunks Gentlemen's Club, based in Detroit, is drooling at the chance of seeing Mercedes Driveshaft join their stage on the professional tour.  This years Lily award winner, pole dancing’s Heisman, which is given to NCAA’s most outstanding pole dancer in the United States, waited until the last day possible to officially declare for the upcoming draft.  The establishment currently holds the 1st Overall pick.

As a freshman born in Detroit, Michigan , Mercedes took the amateur pole dancing world by storm when she walked onto Michigan State’s pole dancing team. She led the Spartans in dances, pieces of clothing removed and led the league in scoring.  The Spartans went 26-0 on their way to their first national title.

When asked why she decided to declare Mercedes said, “It really came down to whether or not I wanted to wait around for the chance to compete in the Olympics in PyeongChang. But there’s talk that the Erotic Pole Dancers Players Association is making a push for an Olympic break.  There's a real chance this could happen in the upcoming collective bargaining agreement. Besides, this is a young women’s game and every year I stay amateur is another year closer to retirement.” 

Rex Burnham, her coach at Michigan State had this to say about her abilities, “She has just unbelievable, natural...talent. Watching her straddle that pole is an exhilarating experience; it’s impossible to contain your excitement. It’s a shame she won’t be competing for us anymore, but you can bet I’ll be there at her first dance for the Junky Trunks, wouldn’t miss it for the world.  I’ve already ordered seasons tickets.”

He’s not the only one buying tickets, seasons tickets sales have skyrocketed since the news broke.  Mercedes is already being hailed as the savior of this almost forgotten franchise. 

The Junky Trunks been hanging by a thread financially ever since Jessica Phalange, the franchise's all time leading scorer, hung up her heels at the age of 27 in 2014.

General Manager of the Junky Trunks, Johnson Rod, has been receiving calls all night with trade offers.  “I told one general manager earlier, “I have the best player in the league now bitch! Suck it!”  You just don’t get these kinds of generational talents very often.  We’re going to hold onto this one.”  Johnson has already reached out to Mercedes’ agent to begin negotiations.

Tom Brady signs deal with 29 NFL teams to stop playing football

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Tom Brady announces new contract signing at press conference in Foxborough

29 NFL teams and quarterback Tom Brady have agreed to a five-year contract that will keep the former New England Patriot from playing football in the NFL. Financial terms of the deal were not disclosed, however sources indicate the contract to be worth 200 million dollars averaging 40 million per year. When asked if the 29 teams were concerned about the length of the contract, Pittsburgh Steelers General Manager Kevin Colbert said “We wanted it longer, but Brady wanted to have the option to play again at 45.”

Taking Tom Brady away from the New England Patriots was the top priority for most of the other 29 General Managers in the league. “We looked at all of the free agent opportunities out there this year and this was the one that made the most sense”  said a dancing Brandon Beane, general manager of the Buffalo Bills.

The signing is expected to make even the the AFC East somewhat competitive.  Jets General Manager Mike Maccagnan was quoted as saying, “I’m tired of being blown out and embarrassed by the Patriots, I want our team to compete every night and lose by only a few points.”

Atlanta Falcons General Manager Thomas Dimitroff,  whose team is reportedly on the hook for 10 of the 200 million, most of all 29 teams,  said “We’re adding by subtracting.  Removing him from the Patriots makes every other team that much better.  I mean, wow, imagine us playing in the Super Bowl in Minneapolis in February against a team without Tom Brady.  We might even have a chance against those New England Patriots.”

2018 would have been Tom Brady’s 18th year in the league, during which his opponents have amassed a record of 52-183 against him during the regular season and a record of 9-25 during the playoffs. His opponents also sport a 2-5 record against him in the Super Bowl and have given up 456 touchdowns to him over that span.

Since the news broke Las Vegas has updated the Patriots odds of winning the super bowl to 2-1, a change from their previous odds of 1-1.